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@KeetPotato: [a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: "MY TATTOOS"
@thatcarlygirl: New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.
@david8hughes: I sent my wife a card that said, "I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU'VE MADE."
@RxitWounds: *Power goes out*
Wife: I can't see!
*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were "a waste of money" & "clearly meant for a large child" now?!
@thebeckyard: I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.