A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
How I’d get arrested…
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry