For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers