@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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@MatCro: [Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
@EmmettScanlan: Mum: "OMG clean your room! This is MADNESS!" Me: "Madness?! NO... THIS IS SPARTA!!" *Kicks Mum*..
@CrashTestDrummy: A Jehovah's Witness followed me. I think I'll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes...
@DanDoofus: Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever wants to sacrifice a virgin about it.