@sixthformpoet: A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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@XplodingUnicorn: I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
@Fred_Delicious: When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn't slip and hit the demons button
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
@tigdonovan: Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You're going to blow my secret that I'm a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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