@3sunzzz: A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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@FrogAvalanche: [On phone] "Did u see the weather forecast?" "No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather." "Where are you? Its so noisy." "IN A TORNADO."
@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@cervixsmash: Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
@GianDoh: (wine tasting) WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I'M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP 'EM COMIN'!