A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
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Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
❤️🦆
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go