A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
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No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
worst…sale…ever
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN