A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined