@PaperWash: A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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@sixfootcandy: [date] Him: So where are you from? Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
@J0hnnyBlaze: 10:00pm *gets a snack* 10:01pm *turns on tv* 10:02pm *glances at twitter for 8 seconds* February
@daemonic3: Hello 911? "What's your emergency?" You work in a building? "Yes" Inside? "Yes WHAT'S YOUR EM-" So you're saying 911's an inside job?!
@michel_lesann: What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?