A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job