@PaperWash: A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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@primawesome: Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
@truegritrumble: ME:John's coming over for dinner. WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John? JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
@NowAPisces: Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
@VodkaThursday: Me:OMG RYAN GOSLING DIED! Oh. His hair. He dyed his hair. Brown. Can U believe that was a story? Husband: I think it worked great. Me:Zip it