A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Dishonest mechanic?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you