Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on