A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?