A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You Might Also Like
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
opening twitter today
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets