A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Children of the corn 🌽
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.