A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.