@bourgeoisalien: A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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@jjhartinger: Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
@YeahDrewisOn: Her: I can't believe you slept with her! Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK! Her: I just went to the store to buy bread! Me: Longest six minutes ever
@neiltyson: Don't know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
@joejwest: HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse