@bourgeoisalien: A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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@onion_an: [jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
@iAmJuddy: My coworkers think it's funny they have power & I don't. I think it's funny how they won't get home to enjoy it cuz their tires are slashed.
@Reverend_Scott: Superman's Google searches: "Strongest hero" "Strongest hero. Not Hulk" "Fastest hero" "Fastest hero. Not Flash" "Phone booth for sale"
@chimneyspotter: DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male's efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain [me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]