@bourgeoisalien: A skinny friend told me she's never hungry and just 'forgets to eat', so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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@AndrewNadeau0: WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak- ME: Secretary. WIFE: What? ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake. WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam— ME: Kenny Hissinger.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can't complain