A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do