A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The only good comments section online is on recipes