A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
welp
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”