A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You Might Also Like
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter