A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits