@Kyle_Lippert: A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like "I'm back yall"
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@AndyAsAdjective: [break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation
@Storminika: *Attempts to give a Homeless guy change* Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you. Me: Really? *holds on to change*
@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die