A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
twitter users today:
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.