A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My background check bounced.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.