@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.
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@CrackYouWhip: Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
@JiminyKicksIt: Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."
@xLiserx: BF: Come over. Let's do sex. Me: I'm tired. BF: I have tacos. Me: It's late. Brendan Fraser: I won't make you watch my movies. Me: On my way
@dril: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree