A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.