@slyoung5: A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn't work, carjacking does.
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@KeetPotato: doctor: "how much exercise do you do per week?" me: "um.. does sex count? doctor: "yes" me: "absolutely none"
@Laser_Cat: *leans out office door* Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch. *goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
@mortimermaiden: I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
@KurtBusiek: I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.