A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
pat pat
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva