a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
are there any atheist mantises?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
mariah carrie
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.