a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.