A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort