A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.