@audipenny: A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"
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@FrazzleMyGimp: [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did. MOM: Where’s your father?
@ShortSleeveSuit: HR: Alright people, let's be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she's pregnant with child Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
@murrman5: my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle? me whispering to my lawyer: do something