Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
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[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
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1. Divorce lawyers
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.