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@ibid78: [A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
@ItsAndyRyan: 'Escalator' is what He-Man's enemy is called in Spain.
@my_minivan_life: Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
@david8hughes: [at the opera]
Me: what's wrong with that guy
Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that's a cello
@BeardSpice: Fortune Cookie:
YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL