Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.