My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is