A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.