A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Every house has this drawer
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT