A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What the hell is going on?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice