A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.