A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
can’t bark with your mouth full