My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.