@girl_a_whirl: A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.
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@nameterminated: I'VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I'M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.