A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
oppen heimer style lol
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation