A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
You Might Also Like
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Whisper out to librarians!