A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
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Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?