@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
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@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby. DATE: So, were you raised by wolves? ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
@stevevsninjas: Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
@XplodingUnicorn: [middle of the night] Me: Wake up! Wife: What?! Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig Wife: Me: But she couldn't. It was HOGwarts