@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: My whole life is like when you're talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
@TheBoydP: I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
@petemandik: If someone tells you they don't like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
@TheDairylandDon: Joker: You're endangering a minor Batman: He's my partner Joker: Why's he in his underwear? Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.