@NicestHippo: A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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@bourgeoisalien: cat 911: hello cat: i need to report a murder cat 911: kevin, is this you again cat: yes cat 911: what did we tell you kevin cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
@trainwreck1000: General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha
@TheMichaelRock: If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn't 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?