A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.