@TheLesbianTwin: a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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@Social_Mime: This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
@HumorParasite: Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?