a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.