I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.