@omgthatspunny: A squirrel needs about two pounds of acorns a week to survive. That's nuts!
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@QwertyJones3: MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig BAND: Thank God! Finally! MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it'll make this PC way faster
@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break* *Takes kid to pub* *Bumps into wife at pub*
@noog: [5 year old tugs on pant leg] Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren't actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
@ElleOhHell: BEN AFFLECK: I'm directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role BEN AFFLECK: Well I'm obviously very flattered