I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.