A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
This is my emotional support knife.