A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’M CRYINGGG
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
That 👊