@_Jkriegs: A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
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@NickadooLA: I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
@BuckyIsotope: *shows up to date with broken nose* "What happened?" Hurt myself playing football "How?" Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
@OutOnTheMoors: How does an eyelash, so soft and fine, turn into a cheese-grater when it gets under your eyelid?
@LetMeStart: Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.