@salmarch79: A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who's stressing you out.
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@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@longwall26: It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
@wittwitbarista: *text message* Cat: Slave, I'm missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I'm at work. Cat: find it.
@SCbchbum: The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.