I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.