A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise