A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
So sick of all these stupid rules
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.